(re-)connections

For as long as I can remember my dad and I had little or no contact at all. We didn't get along and as I grew older I got stubborn. We argued and faught until one day everything collapsed and we went seperate ways. That was 5 years ago. In all that time I ignored him as best as I could, i.e. evaded calls, ignored emails and above all, never met him again.

Do you know the feeling that you get the day after you had an intense dream? I for one think about the dream all day, as though it is a shadow following me around.

Some weeks ago I had the most intense dream about my dad and the next day I thought about him very much. To such an extend that I couldn't sleep the following night. As I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, I thought to myself: why are you still ignoring him? What was it that stood between you two in the first place? - And frankly, I couldn't find answers to those questions. So I got up - it was at around 5am - and started writing an email to him.

At first I was afraid that he would remind me of all the arguments we had, that he would blame me for them or that he wouldn't even answer on the mail. But when I got his first reply I knew I made the right decision. From the very beginning he was extremely happy to have received an email from me and he wanted to forget what happened as much as I did.

Ever since then we have been exchanging emails 2-3 times a week and it already feels so natural. So much in fact, that I feel comfortable sharing my feelings with him, which is not something I used to do when I was younger.

You see, when you reconnect with old friends and valued people in your life it might at first be frightening. But I can tell you from experience that it is one of the most wonderful feelings you can have. Especially if your feelings are answered and the person in question seems just as happy as you are about having contact again.

Today he wrote in one of his emails that he is proud to have a daughter like me. I don't know if you can imagine how I felt after reading that but just try imagining going 5 years without it and you might understand.